*I thought this piece was going to lead somewhere, and it ended up in a different place entirely.*

I have started the year in the mindset of questioning everything. Questioning what’s possible in a day. Questioning my limited perspectives. Questioning my past approaches, and consciously shifting my mindset and my actions around it.

One of the biggest questions I’ve been asking is: Why not now? Why not today?

(Saying this with all the drama and vibrato as I can muster) After years of deepening my foundation and carving out a world of my own, I feel as though I’m standing on the precipice of achieving my wildest dreams. Maybe for the first time ever, they feel so feasible. It’s as though I’m staring out across this vast horizon, with the wind whipping my hair back across my face, and the only step remaining is to acknowledge them as real and step over the edge, letting myself fall into their inevitable resolution.

Admittedly, it’s a pretty fucking cool place to be. Three and a half years ago, life ran through my fingers. It was this slippery, elusive bar of soap, and no matter how much I tried and strained to possess it, to make it my friend, it was unwieldy, slipping away from me, over and over. Some very real things were happening. My sense of family had fallen apart, my body was breaking down under chronic stress, and I was graduating with a resume of confusion, workplace predation, tarnished self esteem and incongruence (though, I was excellent at concealing it). I responded by reaching outside of myself, pursuing anything, any path possible, that wouldn’t make the world feel quite so upside down.

And, I learned (very much the hard way) that these outer things, while providing comfort, didn’t resolve the inner sense of stability I needed. So, I committed myself, reverently, to digging deeper, leaning in, spending time alone, and building myself up, step by step, from where I was. I traded back to back nights of reckless abandon for getting myself on my yoga mat most mornings, and built habits that led to a better relationship between my mind and body. I traded the highs of socially expected relationships, to chase true friendships, plunge myself into books and passion projects, become so much more vulnerable, and find my own two feet on solid ground.

And, as someone who is undeniably perfectionistic, and whose life appeared that way for a very long time (probably too long TBH), for the first time ever, I let myself accept that my story would, but more importantly, that it could, have bumps in the road too.

Now, I’m standing in this really incredible place, where anything feels possible. Everything feels possible.

In addition to finding some relief, I also just have this inexplicable feeling that I’m on the right track. I’m ready to move into a new chapter, to lay down the weights I’ve been carrying to strengthen me, and to gaze openly, optimistically, with a sense of anticipation at what’s ahead.

In real time, I also realize I don’t think I’ve taken quite enough time to appreciate the Odyssey of this journey and to celebrate myself for it. To exist in a state of appreciation.

I must confess, I began this piece, like most other early-January publications, wanting to write very much about the energy I’ve started the year with.

To declare how I’ve been transforming my vocabulary of “I want tos” and “somedays” into  “I ams” and “todays”. It’s true, I have been acting with a sense of clarity and direction I haven’t felt before.

Yet, through this writing, I’ve also realized the importance of thanking myself, and not caring if it seems selfish to give myself praise for what I’ve been able to manage. Part of moving forward means establishing where you are. It’s also no fun to achieve something, if you never thank yourself for it in the end.

So, I leave you in the way it started, with questions. New questions: Why not thank yourself now? Why not thank yourself today?