Served as introduction to Destination Newsletter

Creativity, to me, is best exhumed from the depths of my imagination and carved, shaped, and developed over time. It is allowed to organically age, and to take a life of its own, to evolve at its own pace.

I’ve learned it is not a tap, with an on and off flow, but an ocean, with a changing tide, ruled by external forces, that always swirls and churns in its own rhythmic pattern. Just like nature, when too much control is applied, it will push back. Yet, when allowed, nourished, accepted - the wilder road taken - it always tends to bring you up along the shores where you need to go.

Nearly all projects I undertake, follow this motion: briefly cresting to the light of day, then plunging beneath the surface, as I search for new discoveries, see new depths, and, eventually, come to a position of a heightened or more nuanced level of understanding.

More than an effort of sheer generation, I create through collecting, fusing, merging, melding, refining, reflecting, failing, breaking, deleting, editing, and sometimes, starting over again. It is simply a process of returning, with greater curiosity and humility each time.

Which brings me to the point of what you are reading.

This publication, collection, whatever it is and becomes, does not set out to accomplish anything more than allowing this process, and part of my life, a place to breath. Like a cartographer charting the stars while on the open seas, here we’re mapping the journey while on it. The steps, the detours, the fragments, moments, inspirations, and senses of wonderment that come with turning over some stones, leaving others be, and venturing for the sake of exploration itself.

Along the way, some destinations will be met, some meaning may be discovered, but I go without really knowing. Without whole confirmation. Just with the hope that the slow, often solo, often silent tiptoes in some direction, can lay the path for great discoveries and lovely forms of creation.

Thank you for even entertaining the notion of being on this with me. As you read, expect this to evolve, to change, to ebb and flow, to be on course, then off course, reach somewhere, only to depart it.

The truth is, there is never a final destination. But, through it, I will try to explain, I will try to be your guide, and hopefully, it will just be some fun too.

All to be taken with your healthiest dose, and favorite grain of salt.

Article in first issue of Destination.

“Perhaps I’ll be nothing I thought I’d be. And perhaps that’s okay.”

I can’t speak for anyone but myself, but I have some inkling that many of us move around the world with some degree of expectation around what our lives must look like and struggle if that expectation isn’t met in a timely manner. As someone who has always set lofty expectations upon myself, I think about this a lot.

Somewhere, there lies a rich trove of buried dreams of things I said I would do, but didn’t, and probably, I never will. Or, maybe, they’re just in hibernation, who knows. Either way, this isn’t a sad thing. Most of the things that never transpired have allowed better things to do come through: surprises, relationships, opportunities that I could have never pictured. So, again, this isn’t a sad story.

However, there are times when one can feel a little stuck in the mud, and when it can be worthwhile to reach into the chest and see if there’s a small piece or two worth the effort of excavation. It may not be the life overhaul, usually it isn’t, but it’s adding in a new adventure here or there, or following up on a gut feel thread that was calling some time ago.

In my case, one of these pieces was going to ride a horse. I’m not sure why exactly, but several months ago, I started getting this little inkling, (as many of my friends were moving and traveling to new, far, and distant places), where I was just like F it if I’m going to live in the Midwest that means I gotta go ride a horse.

Of course, I talked myself out of it for a while, mainly because doing it alone was really a scary thought. I’ve ridden horses before, and feel comfortable doing so, but it was the idea of going somewhere new, alone (I knew I had to do it solo from the beginning), driving there, again, by myself, that really held me back.

But, this month, after much back and forth, I mustered up the courage to throw on a pair of boots, get in my car, drive to the country, and put myself in the saddle, quite literally.

The adventure delighted and surprised me in so many new ways. From driving up and over the rolling hills of country roads, flanked by rows, and rows, and I mean rows, of corn fields on either side; putting my windows down with some delightful jazzy girl pop playing to the wind; and most importantly, feeling confident to turn onto a dirt road in the morning sun and head out on a trail ride, years ago, I never would have imagined this life for myself.

Everything that happened that day, the sense of wonder, the courage, the adventurous spirit, would not have occurred if I’d lived in exact accordance to plan, if I had not allowed life to detour me down new roads and in other directions. There’s a fortification of character with the unknown, and continuing to face it, endure it, and embrace it.

Which, brings me back to the quote at the top: “Perhaps I’ll be nothing I thought I’d be. And perhaps that’s okay.” I wrote this in my notes over coffee on the drive up to the farm, and I feel like I was on to something. If anyone asks, I’m in the market for a new pair of boots. New paths to wander and mud to stomp through.

Article in second issue of Destination.

What I realized about writing poetry, while writing poetry, is that surprise, surprise, I really like words. I’m someone who's genuinely inspired by phrases, quotes, and passages (as cliché as that may be). How they come together to create something rich, something precious, something meaningful. How words can fill you with depth, can overflow you with emotion, can transport you to another realm, a reality, a moment in time or a new frame of thinking.

Just as there are gems, fine minerals, gold, within cavernous chambers of solid rock, I’ve discovered that books, articles, passages, poems, even the ethers of the internet, are much the same way. Within large bodies of work, there are often precious, invaluable, hidden gems scattered. These small texts transcend the purpose or intention of the document as a whole. They are universal.

I’ve spent a large part of my energy this year (I’m now realizing), figuring out how I can best capture, honor, and refer back to this trove of words. How they can live with me, be guide posts, and wells of inspiration as I move through life. The simplest options have been staying up-to-date on a Pinterest board and annotating books as I read them. The most complex, the development of an iOS app that stores these messages on my phone, and sends me a notification every morning with a random quote or phrase from the collection. The one this morning was: “I vow to not let these beautiful, quiet moments go to waste!” Fitting.

As I’ve continued to collect this rich trove of text, I’ve been pulled more and more into feeling inspired to create and document small phrases of my own, maybe to be used in a poem one day, or maybe not. And, I’ve also been taken with the idea of attempting to present these in a more visual way, though I’m just not quite there yet.

lost & found is a short collection of poetry.

dedication

for the dining table revolutionaries

and their unrelenting dreams

welcome to the occasion

fields

if every closeted romantic

laid their hearts bare

imagine the blooming

situated

how does “who’s next to me?”

become “it was destiny”

cornered

this cage of unrealized dreams

protects me

from the death of fulfilled destiny

Published in Hearsay, June 2024. LINK.

I posted a Diem some time ago on my exhaustion with social media, highlighting how platforms such as Instagram and TikTok slowly deplete my mental power, all the while keeping me in a state of longing for an intangible more. While, personally, I’ve opted to lead most of my life offline — I quit Instagram and TikTok last October  — I thought I’d share a bit more about why. So, let’s talk about it.

The female image has been used for millennia, often by men, as a subject of cultural and academic preoccupation. In ancient times (think 30,000 BC), women’s portrayal was closely tied to sociologically salient ideals of fertility and procreation. As time passed, usage of the female image transformed alongside the cultural standards of the era, usually to reiterate dominant norms and gender roles, but occasionally to protest against them. A notable advantage of today’s social media landscape is that women now independently claim, market, and monetize their own images on a massive scale. Hierarchical institutions no longer have exclusive rights to sharing the female image. As a result, social media has evolved into a lucrative space with women at the helm. 

Reportedly 77% of content creators and influencers are women, demonstrating women’s drive to leverage social media platforms for financial means, and as an alternative to traditional workspaces. As the influencer economy continues to grow into a half-trillion dollar industry, the idea of earning income by sharing one's life online, free from traditional employment constraints offers a compelling alternative for women who are expected to be mothers, wives, friends, and social-emotional confidants on top of wage-earners. 

Yet, the influencer route has its own complications. As Katherina Hu expressed in her work for The Atlantic, “Seeing the rise of successful influencers (or even your high-school friend who decided to start regularly posting on TikTok), you might be easily convinced that if you keep posting videos, follow other creators, and engage with your viewers, you, too, could pull in $20,000 for a single Instagram post. But the dream is deceptive.” 

She goes on to explain that while the path may be filled with allure and flexibility, this career path also pulls women out of the traditional workforce and into a riskier professional landscape, where the path to success is clouded by algorithmic variability, prioritizes consumer-safe content over creativity, and lacks traditional employment protections. Not to mention that any livelihood centered around monetizing one’s appearance and personal details risks exposing individuals to privacy and harassment concerns. How many influencers openly discuss their stalkers, home break ins, etc? 

Performing a cost-benefit analysis on the feminism of influencing is… exhausting. Likewise, as a female consumer, it’s also exhausting. In my experience, there’s overwhelming fatigue and skepticism accompanying the unconscious ingestion of thousands of covert advertisements by seemingly ‘relatable’ women. I’m no longer envying a distant supermodel selling me a product. I’m looking at one of my friends thinking, ‘Why don’t I look like that?’ or ‘Why don’t I have _?’ I am truly terrified by social media’s power to corrode my real friendships by infusing them with jealousy and unreasonable comparison.

I know I’m not alone in this experience. Offline, my friends and acquaintances frequently confide that their personal, professional, and creative lives flourish when they’ve taken breaks or deleted social media. These stories are not isolated, and I encountered a similar sentiment in Diem. Messages from fellow users include: "It was the best thing ever”, “my brain is so much better off it”, and “I seldom miss them.”  

This sense of relief and mental clarity is supported by science, too. In the past five to ten years, countless studies have linked social media to rising mental health disfunction, including anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideation. Women are disproportionately affected. In one example, researchers saw a correlation between Instagram use in women and increased depressive symptoms, lowered self-esteem, and devolving body satisfaction. The same influencers who bought into these platforms simultaneously speak out about their toxicity, and oftentimes encourage their followers to limit their engagement if possible.

Despite all the evidence of social media’s negative effects, I recognize the need, and absolutely still feel pressure, to remain virtually connected. Online socialization has taken over as ‘a new normal.’ I’m not sure I’ll be back on Instagram or TikTok anytime soon, but I am psyched to be part of next-gen networking platforms like Diem using tech for authentic community-building and constructive communication. 

How do you feel about social media? Are you exhausted too? Would love your thoughts in Diem.