1/2025
“Fitting In”
INTRODUCTION
As ideas grow legs, going from concept to form, they take on a strange desire to “fit in”. To mirror other, more fully-formed ideas that have been deemed successful and valuable.
This makes a lot of sense.
Out of insecurity that what is growing may not be good, opting to create something in the image of something else “good” (a term I use because of it’s subjectivity), would, transitively, make the new thing good as well.
This subtle instinct to “fit in” highlights a couple things I find interesting.
First, a desire to borrow successful and valuable tools or methods says a lot about one’s own aesthetic tastes and preferences. It also says a lot about one’s personal definitions of success and value.
What do you find pleasing? What do you find successful? What do you find valuable?
When I think on it, I find a couple common themes. First, I appreciate interactivity. Whether it’s a website, a film, or a novel, I find satisfaction in things that give the beholder their own license to interpret and imagine. While you are not the creator of the work, there is value to beholding it. A sense of wonder or curiosity. A world turned on its head for a moment.
I also appreciate feats of work.
Things that seem so hard to pull off, so unique to one’s experience, that only the creator could do it. Equally as importantly, that they did do it. They chose to pursue this unbelievable authentic calling that no one else could.
It’s this last thought: the unbridled pursuit of one’s laser specific vision that shines out to me like a beacon. Because, it’s something that’s been tripping me up.
In an attempt to morph my work into my own aesthetic preferences, to “fit in” with the things I find attractive, valuable, good (or what I’ve been told or conditioned to find attractive and valuable and good), I’ve robbed my work of some of its authenticity. While it may feel more palatable, it doesn’t feel like ‘me’.
This has caused demotivation.
What makes me excited, inspired, and delighted is giving form to the weird, colorful, slightly-rebellious, contrarian inner world inside of me. It feels as if I am laying unexplored parts of myself on a gilded, heavily flowered, heavily perfumed altar.
Of course, I hope what I create may be insightful, or interesting, or exciting to someone. I even hope that, one day, there’s economic viability in what I create. But I’m now having to apply some course correction, to release approachability, likeableness, or acceptance, to pursue expression in its highest (raw) form.
In that vein, I’ve used this entry as an opportunity for some detective work. I’ve revisited some of my previous projects with a curious eye, making ‘Annotations’ that go one level deeper.
Enjoy!
CONTENTS
CREATIONS | THINGS MADE
WORD MINING (CONT.)
MOMENTARY MUSING
JOURNAL ENTRY
ADVENTURES | THINGS EXPLORED
VISION DECONSTRUCTION
FILM!
STUDIES | FUEL FOR THE CREATIVE WELL
READING
SABRINAA
WORD MINING (CONT.) | creations
Last entry, I wrote a piece on this idea of ‘word mining’ (i.e. collecting small phrases, fragments, poems, from larger bodies of work to use as a sort of creative kindling). I don’t know how else to describe it, but I find great comfort in these small morsels of creative sustenance. They seem to fill me up, and offer an endless well of inspiration.
Part of this process, has been an experimental attempt to turn these beautiful fragments into something:
a) visual and
b) useful
a) The Visual: Words In Bubbles
The visual aspect takes inspiration from the way I consume many ‘word gems’: in highly-designed typefaces.
Some of my words below:
☆ ANNOTATION ☆
Here I am disproving my perceptions in real time. In going back to my Pinterest board, where I discover and store many inspiring passages, phrases, etc. (LINK), I’ve realized that quite literally none of them are in highly-designed typeface.
They are all photos of book annotations, typed words, handwriting, screenshots of online threads.
Yet, here I was SO convinced otherwise, driving myself to pursue something I saw an overwhelming abundance of, but did not intentionally chose to save.
Were I to revisit this assignment, I would likely just point you to a messy piece of scratch paper at the end of my poetry document. A sample includes:
“
…
How much money do you really need to be a nice person
Do we want all this or just each other
Do we want each other or just all this
The first to get thrown under the bus
Bitter
Can’t get enough of me
even villains need to rest
The christening
Bad Texter
Middle thirty
Abs
Entanglement
5 year summer
Burning the karma at both ends
No perfect way to say sorry
…
”
b) The Useful: Love Note
This one requires more of a thorough excavation and confession of my life history: I’ve wanted to build a technology platform (perhaps not openly) since college. Not sure why, but on one of my insanely long jaunts around NYC contemplating what to do with my life, it just felt like it would be cool to build an app, especially to be a girl who could build an app. After that, I became transfixed on the idea. I started brain dumping ideas on ideas, got a tech-adjacent job, left said tech-adjacent job in pursuit of the mythical app, invested in what I’d consider a supercomputer with insane processing that could do sophisticated simulator renderings, revitalized my GitHub activity from my coding queen days, and test-drove at least 4 different app concepts over the course of the past 2.5 years, all partially-baked prototypes. The current result: I have one of these concepts (called Love Note, because I can call it what I want) downloaded on my phone for personal use.
Looking back, they all were trying to do a similar thing: To be a co-pilot in modern life. To create an outlet that encouraged well-being, authenticity, and creativity. To allow a sense of whimsy and inspiration, even in moments when life didn’t feel that way.
Love Note is my word mining storage bank (with an affirmation or two mixed in). I used it to enter and save my favorite phrases and things I just want to be reminded of. Then, each morning, at 8am, I get a new notification on my home screen that’s a randomized pull from my collection. Because it’s curated / created by me, rather than generated by someone else, it really does feel like a little……. love………… note……
As much as I’m fucking proud of myself, this process has been draining AF.
I miss spending my creative hours with a pen and paper page, rather than a computer, pouring my feelings out on scrap paper poetry (crying often), and flipping through the sticky note-highlight-underline margins of books I’ve previously read.
That visceral confrontation of pieces of the rawest forms, is utterly more satisfying. (I think).
With that, I suspect both these projects may have an uncertain future ahead of them.
☆ ANNOTATION ☆
I think I got myself somewhere here on my own! The wheels were turning!
MOMENTARY MUSING | creations
This month, I released a piece of writing earlier in the month which I coined a ‘Momentary Musing’. I have many mid-month thoughts that sometimes just need to be put as pen to paper.
If you’re curious…
JOURNAL ENTRY | creations
january 19th, 2026: I’m seated on my couch, in a candle glow, a warm cup of tea by me, a magnesium water by its side, Krugrabin softly playing in the backdrop. It’s a winter’s eve, the outdoors inhospitable for any promenading, and I am fully, wholly, unbelievably happy. All of the work in the world is for these moments. Beneath all of the glamour, elegance, achievements, rests a simple, pure, true form. Something so essential, something so stripped away, something that can only be described as pure acceptance of one's own condition that it brings tears to my eyes. Against the coursing waves of this life, the tides that pull us to pursue excellence, the masquerades of beauty we dawn, there is the stillness, the moments we have to slow down, the grace and softness with which we are able to handle life that make it worth living. These moments, so few to dawn, so few to collect, are what make life worth living, what illuminate the beauty, of a joyful period, of a sorrowful one, and the ability to find and feel said stillness is one of the greatest gifts. One of the greatest joys of this existence is the ability to feel this and to express it.
☆ ANNOTATION ☆
Nothing about this is perfected. Nothing about this is constructed. In a lot of ways, my own immediate reaction to this isn’t kind. It scoffs a bit, it says ‘Oh she thinks she’s so deep’, it wants to poke fun at this really real, raw, true piece of writing. But, for the sake of my own exercise, I leave it be. With not a single edit.
VISION DECONSTRUCTION | adventures
So much of the new year is about vision boarding, and yet, I realized, after a peaceful evening of slowing down with my journal, and that very little of the pieces on my vision wall were things I actually wanted or cared that much about. So, I vision deconstructed. I stepped outside my perfectionism, and I looked at every photo cluster (I cluster photos to paint the picture of an idea) and took note of the things I actually wanted, and what was just fluff.
Then I started to take down the things, that, while they looked good (or maybe were things I thought I was supposed to want), didn’t actually matter to me at all. The aftermath was quite astonishing, it made me realize how precious, and yet, how little I need to be happy, fundamentally.
It’s really a teeny tiny tight circle at the center of my heart’s deepest desires.
It’s quite a simple exercise, yet, it’s so liberating and reorienting.
the aftermath.
FILM! | adventures
Film photos were a big part of my college days. They were all the craze, and nearly my entire grid (when I still had one) came from dispos or a 35 mm point and shoot. With that, we all had our “photo guy”. My photo guy was really 2 “guys”, really 2 storefronts on the Upper West Side. You’d grab a coffee, walk to “your guy”, drop your film off on your way somewhere downtown, and around 4-6 hours later find scans in your inbox ready to post. The convenience. The ease. The expediency. Deliciousness.
When I moved, I got referred to a “photo guy”. The experience was very disappointing. I had to drive 45 minutes to drop off my film, it took 2 weeks to get scans, and when I got them, they hadn’t been scanned in right so the photos were crooked.
After that, I tried the pharmacy photo route, and waited… 2 months.
After that, I went to a small photo service operation, they told me… gasp… 6 months.
So, I gave up, tossed in the towel, while never quite forgetting the affection I had for my New York “photo guy”.
Three years later (around the time of starting this newsletter), I had a thought. I wondered if I could ship my film to my beloved photo guys? Maybe they would do it for me. But, it felt silly to me. What if they said no? It felt very improbable that I’d get a yes.
Sure enough, in an interview with a candidate, they (out of no where) start talking about shipping a boat load of film to a place in New York for a project. While I’m not sure who they sent theirs too (I can assure you my people are better), I take it as a sign to call up my photo guys.
A couple of tries with a busy line, and I finally get through to a kind woman on the phone.
“Of course you can send us your film. Write what you want on a piece of paper and we’ll call you when we get it”.
Ship the film.
Answer the phone 3 days later.
4 hours after that, there are scans in my inbox, ready to enjoy, from 1,195 miles away.
READING | studies
Feeling momentarily annoyed by some of my Romantasy characters (yeah, I told you all I wasn’t going down this road anymore, and yet, here we are), I dragged myself to the bookstore to go searching for something new.
And, let me tell you, I found treasure.
While I’m only about a third of the way in, this book (on my Reading List) is one of those that just finds you at the right moment in time.
It’s a memoir-slash-analysis, leaning more analysis than memoir, by a Tolkien scholar on why Tolkien’s work were so prolific.
For those who know me, well, really well, it’s no secret that reading Lord of the Rings in 2024 was a particularly formative period of my early adulthood. It was the book that got me back into books, got me through a weird winter, and opened my mind up to a world of creative possibility.
Now, to have a book that unpacks some of Tolkien’s creative techniques is riveting.
One of the most striking concepts I’ve discovered, is the idea that Tolkien was really a great experimenter. He used his narratives as a place to both house his creative dabblings - poems and imaginative languages - and play with different literary devices he had encountered in his studies.
In doing do, he brought to life an entire world that felt strikingly authentic, despite being pure and utter fantasy.
SABRINAA | studies
I’m not sure if this necessarily qualifies as a ‘study’, but I’m going to call it so. I have been listening to SO MUCH Sabrina Carpenter this month. Which is saying something, because she was my 2nd most listened to artist in 2025, and I’ve been entering untapped discographic territory.
But, there’s something to be said about the effect of her whimsy. It’s right on the nose of what’s needed for me in this moment: cheeky, playful, slightly silly, and just plain uplifting.
